A Love Letter to Zeni Zounds, The Transwoman That Helped Me Decide To Transition

This Blog post is dedicated to my friend Zeni Zounds.

Thank you for being the best friend and honorary older sister I could ever ask for.

We all have that one person in our lives that we owe a lot to. Be it a friend that bailed us out of a tough spot once or twice in our lives, a teacher that gave us hope that we can make a difference in the world or a friend we met online that gave us the final push we needed to want to be us. Either way, it's always someone that we know somehow. For me, this person is Zeni Zounds.

While I've never met Zeni in person (on my bucket list to do btw) and only know her from her Twitter page, it was a chance question that lead me to make a great friend and someone that would help shape who I am going to become.

My first ever interaction with her was honestly by stumbling upon her Twitter page, at the time I was going through my usual cycle of I wonder what it was like. This time around it was in regard to breast implants. I don't remember how I stumbled on her, but I did. My mind was shocked at seeing the pictures she had posted. It was like the entire Maury show all over again, a trans woman that looked so amazing, so beautiful, I won't lie for a moment I thought she was just a photoshop or a morph. Having done image manipulation in school, I could tell it wasn't the latter, and since photoshop was a key program I had to use back then, I could also rule out the former.

With my mind racing, I honestly wasn't sure what to make of this. Here was a transwoman that in all outward appearances looked female like a natural cis female. Hell if it wasn't for the fact she's so open about it, I would've assumed she was always female. Nothing about her immediately screams I was a guy. 

Now I for one do appreciate someone that is always open about something, usually, internet personalities are always just I'm me on here only, if you want to get to know me, pay me. Yet with Zeni, she always seemed different. It was like she had this aura around her that felt both welcoming and calming. Honestly even now as I write this, I can feel that aura. It's pleasant and calming, which is good.

I wish I could remember what it was that really drove me to her page, what force pushed me there. Fate is a funny thing sometimes, we never really know what makes us do the things we do, or end up where we end up. Yet here I was, seeing the page of this beautiful transwoman and wondering what's it like.

By this point, I had obviously started following her (duh), reading back through her old posts and whatnot. Learning a bit here and there, and trying to work out things in my head. Though through all of this, one thing was still lingering in my head, something I really wanted to know.

Now I've seen plastic surgery shows. Dr. 90210, Nip Tuck, Botched, so I wasn't a stranger to plastic surgery. While I haven't had any myself (yet) I was never the less always wondering. Of course, Breast Augmentation was something I've always wondered about.

Never having the internet outside of school, finding information about this procedure was really hit-and-miss. While the E! network was a good place, it wasn't without its drawbacks. I could learn about as much as the average watcher, but when it would come down to what I wanted to know. What was it like having them?

By this point in my life, I was sure I wasn't happy presenting as male, I was tired of being seen as someone that could bench press a bus or was built like a brick shit house. I was cross-dressing in private as a way to relieve stress, presenting my female persona online to give myself a way to escape the daily crap I'd been forced to deal with. My grandfather was a bigot, and most of my family either went along with his ideals or seemed too, well too set in their ways. I would tell my aunt at one point that I wish I had come out earlier. 

By now I was really interested in knowing, I mean I had actually contacted a local plastic surgeon to ask questions (more cause I had some savings and was tempted to just bite the bullet and get myself a set of implants put in if possible) so I decided to just throw caution to the wind and ask Zeni.

So seeing if I could message her (by this point I only knew of her Twitter page) and ask her, to get an answer from the horse's mouth as it were. I was able to and was nervous about sending her a message. For the record, my confidence in myself has never been all that great. I've never felt I could move mountains, or swim seas. So to send a message to a complete stranger, someone that I'm sure wouldn't even bother to read it let along answer it seemed like a bad idea that got worse as I went on.

After typing the message up, I hit send.

I wasn't expecting anything, I wasn't expecting a reply or really anything. I figured it was going to be ignored. So imagine my surprise when I saw I had a reply. I felt like a kid in a candy store. I must've read it a good hundred times. Yet it never gets boring. 

She would eventually point me in the direction of her essay about her breast operations. When I had messaged her, she was still only at her second and was waiting until October for her third. While I had an answer, there was still something else bugging me, something I couldn't really understand.

I would continue to message and talk with her, something was telling me to stay with this person. I would eventually befriend her (well I guess we are friends) and would often message her (granted more as our SFW selves). Yet it was another question that would change the course of my life.

By this point, I was dealing with the passing of my grandfather in 2020, and things were picking back up. I had a new job on the horizon, and everything was going well. Then like most things, it turned sour quick. I lost my job and things would just go down from there. Still, I kept talking with my friend. The question I wanted to ask finally managed to come up. I asked about her transition.

She wasn't shy about answering it (not sure if she would for everyone, but it felt nice to me). After telling me about it, my world really shattered. It was a bit easier than I thought. I'm not going to go into details here, mostly cause I don't want to violate the trust my friend has in me. But informed concent, those two words really opened up a new world to me.

I wouldn't have to undergo the trials and tribulations I was convinced I would need to. Honestly, this path was never even known to me. If not for Zeni, I would've never known about it. It's weird how things work out, I felt like a turtle in a shell, not wanting to come out cause I wasn't sure how the world would be.Yet here was the person, this individual that took the time to reply to me, would talk with me, and without realizing it, would be the one that would free me from my shell.

I only think it's fitting that I'm writing this today of all days. While for the world it's Valentine's day, for Zeni it's the day of her next step in her journey. Today is her FFS or Facial Feminzation Surgery. I'm always the type of person that worries about her friends. If they are going through something I worry about them. Today is no exception, while I've been worried all weekend (shows if you follow my Twitter), today is more so worrying for me. While I know my friend will be ok, and I am proud of her for taking this next step not for anyother reason but for herself. I'm still scared.

See Zeni is more than a friend to me, she's special, and she's my honorary older sister. I worry that something will happen and that she'll never get to see the woman I become. I worry when she works so hard she doesn't get enough sleep to take care of herself. I worry. I know that makes me sound like a simp, but if that's how I come across wanting to be worried about my friend, worried that she'll be ok, then fine I simp for her. 

The one thing I will always feel like when it comes to my friends is Atlas. Atlas for those of you that don't know, is the one in greek mythology that holds the world up. The burden of the entire world is always on his shoulders. For me, it's the same with my friends and those that are special to me.

I know someone would probably say that I'm crazy, that she'd never be as worried about me as I am about her. True, I know she wouldn't worry about me. In the grand scheme of things, I am a worthless pawn in the universal chess game of life. Yet in the end, aren't we all? 

For me, I never had a lot of friends growing up. It wouldn't be until I was in middle school that I would get my first ever real friend. I wanted nothing more than a friend in life, and the more I get the happier I am. I never had any siblings, so if my friends are there for me, and I can trust them, they are like family to me. And that's what Zeni is. We may not be related, and we might never see each other in person. But she's my honorary older sister. And I can't thank her enough for helping me be the me I want to be.