When I started wanting to be Jessica
Growing up I never could lock in a dream or goal for the future. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a fire fighter, a goal I did manage to achieve when I joined the local volunteer fire company. Though I had always envisioned it as a momentous occasion, something like the ending of a new hope. It was just a simple I was voted in and accepted. Nothing special, no trumpets, no fanfare just you're in.
While it was ok, after reaching your goal, what's next? I never was really taught anything while on the truck crew, and everything I knew was from either TV or the little I'd overhear. I was mostly a seat filler. So, I knew I didn't want to go further. Yet years earlier, while off from school for snow, an idea would begin to fester. An idea that would later take root in my garden of constant ideas.
I remember the day, it was a Friday I was in the sixth grade and was off of school because of snow earlier in the morning. While it hadn't amounted to much, it was nasty during the time when the buses and kids would be coming. Not to mention the school parking lot practically being a skating rink with the frozen ice. I was channel surfing and came across Maury, yes the discount Jerry Springer daytime show that became more of the "You're not the father" meme than anything. Anyway, the episode in question was a game of sorts he was playing with the audience. They had to guess if the women he had on the show were born female or male.
Now some you could tell, others weren't as obvious. I remember seeing the one called Sky, I wasn't sure to be honest. As the results were announced, I was surprised. Some of the ones I had thought were born female weren't, even some I thought were male weren't. Sky was the last reveal of the episode before it ended. I remember her reveal "I'd just like to say hi, my name is Sky, and I fooled you all, because I was born a guy.". I was amazed, I had recorded the last 45 mins of the show since my mom had some errands to run and with the snow done, I went with. I watched the recording more times than I care to admit. My mind always tried to figure out how something worked, it still does. Sometimes it's easy, other times it's hard. Yet the thought of this angel looking woman that was born the same as me. It blew my mind.
Now being the young kid I was, hormones were just starting to kick in and I was noticing the female body, you could say this caused some confusion, but it didn't really. Sure, I obsessed with it for weeks on end, the tape I recorded on being the one I would use for a few others. A mix tape if you will, just of things I was trying to figure out. Things I would later learn more about. it sparked something in me. Something that would blossom and grow with time, taking the ideas from garden and expand on them. It was the seed that would become Jessica.
Granted for years the seed wouldn't do much, some occasional crossdressing at home while everyone was out of the house. Once I had access to the internet in high school, I took the chance to learn more. By this point E! had been added to my TV watching, True Hollywood stories would teach me things and help the ideas grow slightly. I toyed with different names, Veronica, Jasmine, Holly, Andrea, etc. Nothing seemed to fit right to me. I didn't know why, but I wanted this idea to really be its own. Then I saw it, the cult classic movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Wanting to be Jessica was now a goal for me, every little idea that I would come across would be added to her. I would look through different clothing catalogs we would get delivered, any female picture I would look at and wonder. Back then she was just a seed, now she's a tree. Still growing, still changing, still coming into her own.
She's the best me I could hope to be. An outlet for my kindness that can't shine through with my male self, a way to show compassion.
I've always wanted to be Jessica; I just need to be ready for when she's bloomed.
To be continued.
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